His Needs, Her Needs: Sex and Affection

, 46 comments
Currently, I am reading a book entitled "His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage"  which I first learned from Maricar and Richard Poon's blog. Every chapter is informative. This thing caught my attention though and I have quoted some lines for you to ponder.
When it comes to sex and affection, you can't have one without the other. Sadly enough, most affairs start because of a lack of affection (for the wife) and lack of sex (for the husband). It's quite a vicious cycle. She doesn't get enough affection, so she shuts him off sexually. He doesn't get enough sex, so the last thing he feels like being is affectionate.


For some couples this is true much more on my side. Because I'm the type of wife who needs affection in order for my husband to have a fulfilled sexual relationship with me. He knows that and sometimes whenever he surprised me with such little efforts, I am the one who starts the flame. I always make sure that he will have his "need" whenever I am ready and really into it. I always make him understand that "sex without love" is absolutely "just faking" or "lust" and he clearly understands the situation.

In the book, a wife enumerated "Affectionate Habits to Create" and "Affectionate Habits to Avoid". And for some instances I can relate with her lists. Some of her habits were simple gestures though so I don't think every husband will have difficulty with those. I passed the list to my husband for him to know that those little things matters to me as well. Here are some of it and my husband do some of this things when we were together or apart:
  • Hug and kiss me every morning while we're still in bed. Because we are in a long distance relationship, when he woke up, the first thing he does is send me a message through facebook and ask me how my day was or asking about our daughter. He never fails to kiss me or ask me for a kiss before we went offline.
  • Help me with the dishes after dinner. He does this always and also the cooking! Lucky wife right?
  • Remember  my birthday, our anniversary, Christmas, Mother's Day, and Valentine's Day. Give me a card and gift that is sentimental, not practical. Sometimes he fails with this thing. Whenever I tease him about certain occassions he is pressured with what to give or do because rarely he surprises me and he's not the type of husband who do so everytime. But when he does, he makes my heart melt. I always tell him he need not buy expensive things for me. Correct me if I'm wrong but some husband tend to not realize that wives don't really want expensive things and just a little effort wins their wives heart. One time he gave me a Valentine's Card made of pad paper and stickers which he asked from her niece. And so I cooked him a merienda that turned into our simple celebration in return.
When I asked him for affection, sometimes he misunderstood it with admiration. According to Willard (author of the book) "affection" is the communication of care, while "admiration" is the communication of appreciation, value, and respect. Whenever I feel like my husband forgets the affection thing, he will bombarded my facebook posts with comments of admiration or appreciation (now you know! haha).

Those are just some of the list and I didn't elaborate that much because I want you to read the book or create your own list as well. Have a talk with your husband about this if you need to. There's nothing wrong with voicing out your opinion about sex and affection. Clearly, there's nothing wrong with having an open communication with your husband as well.


46 comments:

  1. ---- "affection" is the communication of care, while "admiration" is the communication of appreciation, value, and respect.

    Love it. Great post!

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    1. We should know the difference between the two since we always mistook each other's way of telling it to our spouses.

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    2. I agree. I also believe that not all wedded couple are truly in love with each other. I have few friends who got married because of unwanted pregnancy. And now, both of them are suffering because of that "quick marriage" thing. All I can say is that if you really want your marriage to last, then you should marry the one that God created for you.

      I also agree with you regarding the "communication" thing. Yes, it's really important for wedded couples like us. I'm married for two years now and we really try to communicate with each other even after a long day of work. :)

      Thanks for sharing this one, Rubie! Happy blogging!

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  2. this books seems to be very interesting.. I honestly don't read books or novels that much...I can say that I'm quite picky and sometimes moody when it comes to reading...I'm not in any relation yet but I think reading such book would be very ideal so at least I have the idea of what to expect when I enter a relationship... Yes, I personally think too that being vocal about sex and affection to your partner is a sign of a healthy relationship of any couple

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    1. After reading your blog post I supposed your a christian and if I am right, then you should start reading Joshua Harris books which is just right for you since you are single.

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  3. I first read about this from Maricar's and Richard's blog. Tamang tama talaga to sa mag asawa.

    --

    nhengswonderland.blogspot.com

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    1. True! Are you also following their blog? They really got good posts for relationships.

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  4. I agree, communication is vital. Given of course that you provide each other understanding, you're on the road to a successful marriage if you master the art of communication.

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    1. Every relationship should have that. :)

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  5. These are not just applicable for married couples, this can be helpful for young couples too! Thanks for sharing!

    Love, Didi of Frances and Flair
    KEEP IN TOUCH: Facebook||Bloglovin'||Twitter||Instagram

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    1. Indeed. More of with the young ones since they are always on the verge of taking it to this level.

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  6. I'm considering buying the book to read now! Thanks for sharing!

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  7. As a married man, with regards to affection with my partner, I have my own formula that made it "click" whenever I initiated it. Usually and normally, affection sometimes unite with sex when it's convenient for both. This is really a huge topic to discuss because every person has its own way of interpreting affection and sex.

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    1. I agree. After all we know how to establish a good relationship to our partner and how to win them over. But as a friendly reminder, we should always know their needs as well as ours.

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  8. It looks someone is getting enough sex and affection. ;) I agree that men have a different "language" with women when it comes to both aspects. Thanks for making me understand a bit. ;)

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    1. Need I say more? :D It's really hard to read our minds but at the back of it, you should always have a rapport with your spouse.

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  9. Nice post! There should always be a conscious effort to make your other half happy. Because marriage ain't going to work if only one takes action. Give and take relationship and teamwork.
    And that book's interesting! Hope to get my hands on it.
    - Nik (www.nikcoffee.com)

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    1. Yes, communication is the key and mutual respect for each other. If you want a copy of this book I can send them over email :D

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  10. I'm a fan of Relationship Matters blog, yung kay Richard & Maricar, and I saw that they recommended this book! Though my partner and I are not married yet, I believe this book also applies to boyfriend-girlfriend palang. Maybe we should read this book together! haha

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    1. Yay! Yes sobrang pinopromote nila yung book and I've done another review for it which is also applicable for what you ask "Recreational Compatibility". Every chapter is a learning process. If your partner is open for this kind of communication why not. If you want a copy of this book I can send them over via email.

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  11. Oh maybe I should buy this before I settle down. ahahaha

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    1. Go grab a copy at your nearest bookstore! :) Every chapter of this book is a learning process applicable to every kind of relationships.

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  12. the book sounds very interesting and somewhat educational as well. I can totally relate to the fact that explained in the content... a relation is always complicated to me... ha ha

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    1. Is that so? Then maybe this book can help you in that aspect :)

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  13. The book title itself is really catchy. Will definitely look for this one. :)

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  14. Happily married for 23 years, and I figured out that a satisfactory sex life starts at the living room.

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    1. Hmm, this is out of curiosity to me. Well, if it works fine with both of you then I guess you've found the key to your essential love affair.

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  15. I think i need to read this book and share it to my friends as well. Thanks!


    Jov,
    http://jovelynbmateo.tumblr.com

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    1. Thanks! :) Hope that you'll learn on this book once you read it :)

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  16. I'm considering on buying this book now, for my mom and dad (because I'm, well, shingle and not yet ready to mingle. Haha) though, I really love my mom and dad's relationship as a married couple (actually, relationship goals sila) but the books looks interesting so yeah! Haha

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    1. Believe me that it's not just for the couples but you can be educated with what you'll do once you'll enter the relationship status :)

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  17. Men and women are wired differently, what's important to us is way different from what's important to men, their needs and priorities are alien to us. Communication is the key here. Voice out what your needs are and try to give them to each other as best as you can, an affair will never be a risk.

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    1. Exactly :) Just make sure that you're voicing out honesty and openness and surely you will not be lost.

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  18. Honestly, I'm too afraid for marriage. Though I'm not in a broken family, being surrounded by broken families from my parents' friends have really gotten into me. I can barely even make a relationship work. So I can't really see myself marrying anyone. And maybe, if I do change my mind, I would definitely need this book for guidance.

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    1. Maybe you haven't found the ONE yet that's why you're thinking is like that. Soon you'll find the person and who knows maybe you don't need this book anymore. :)

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  19. Marriage is a very serious stage so every couple needs to be ready enough to another journey in their life.

    I learned a lot! I'm gonna check out that amazing book :)

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  20. And yep! Sex is really important in a relationship, Im talking about sex "inside" only in our marriage. This is a gift of God for married couples and should be enjoyed as husband and wife! :)

    another learning! :)

    hope you can visit my blog so i could add you on my linkex project!
    stevevhan
    -www.artisticworld.net

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  21. That book's intriguing!


    Happy blogging!
    airinaapril.blogspot.com

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  22. Hi Rubie, I've been meaning to pick up a new book and you gave me an idea. This surely looks like it has great insights.

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  23. The book seems interesting. Your husband sounds like a really good one. Good luck on your marriage! Cheers :)

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  24. I enjoy these kind of honest and transparent articles! I love your post here and honestly, I got inspired and learned something new today!

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  25. You made me really interested on this book. I am not really a fan of reading books but when I find it really helpful, I really get into it.

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  26. The book is surely a great read for us once we get married. Although we are still in a bf-gf relationship, we can relate that "there's nothing wrong with having an open communication." Having an open communication, not only helps with shortcomings, but also builds deep trust and make ourselves the best of friends of each other :)

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  27. This is not applicable to me right now but the pointers might be handy once I tie the knot... or when my married friends ask for some advice, i'll share this blog post to them. :-)

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Hi sweetie! Thanks for reading my blog! I'd love to hear from you!